I completely forgot that this so called blog existed. LOL.
Life in the past year, or entire 2017 was definitely something else. But I’ll try and keep up with sharing more thoughts and experiences on here. For now, let’s celebrate the last day of Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month. This entire month, I have really reflected on how life has changed for me. It’s been exactly 7 years this month that I have been diagnosed with RP. It is even more fitting since it is Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month.
Going back to that time, before being diagnosed; I had the career I wanted and I was newly engaged to my husband now. I remember that day when the first specialist told me that something could be wrong. Something that deals with my retina. Showed me the visual picture of what my vision looked like. But fully didn’t explain what was really happening. He just said that I was going blind and that there is no cure. I was with my mom and Bas. We knew from that point, we needed a second opinion. There were so many specialists that I saw, appointments after appointments and the amount of tests I had to do to finally get an answer. Can you imagine being hit with something so devastating and you can’t do anything about it? I was a mess. I was broken. I was lost and had no intention to keep going. I quit my job, I stayed home majority of the time, I stopped being active and just lost interest with life. I even asked Bas if he still wanted to marry me. The overall feeling of being scared and not knowing what the future would be like was all I thought of. I was miserable and came to a point that I knew I was depressed. I saw a psychiatrist to help me figure out what I needed to do to get through what I was battling at St. Joseph Health Centre in Toronto. But even that, I felt like it didn’t help me as much because I chose to let RP get the best of me. The thought of not wanting to live, praying and wishing I would just die had crossed my mind many times. I even attempted taking random pills and hoping to not wake up anymore. All kinds of awful things crossed my mind of what I could do just so I would have to deal with this new situation. The amount of crying and feeling sorry for myself, my goodness, it was just horrible. Because I couldn’t imagine my life and what the future will be like battling RP. This depression lasted for 2 years. OMG!
When Bas told me he wanted to marry still. And that nothing had to change, that we can still do what we love and most of all, he will be here by my side through it all and will love me regardless. I knew I had to change. As much as it was so hard, I had to do it for the sake of my future with Bas. He made me realize that I can’t let this get the best of me and most of all, I will be missing out on the great things that life offers. Despite this condition I have, that there is so much more to life and so much more to look forward to. It was really up to me to to change my mentality and how I looked at life. The negative thinking needed to stop. Trust me, every day was a battle and it was damn hard to move on forward. But I knew I needed to change.
Fast forward to now. I will be celebrating my 6th year wedding anniversary this year with Bas. After a couple years of praying and trying for a baby, God finally blessed us with a son. We try to see the world and travel as much as possible, to take each day as a blessing because I can still see a little bit. To just enjoy life. To try new things, to challenge myself and stay active. I have let go of all the negative things, people and thoughts that weren’t good for me. And I try to look at things in the most positive way. Of course there will be rough days, we are all allowed to break down because I still go through all that. There are days when I am still scared, worried that soon I won’t be able to see my son. Or how life would be like for me and Bas. We are all human, we are allowed to have our down days but I try to snap out of the funk, focus on the happy thoughts and just tell myself to keep going. That life is still worth living. And that life could be so much worse.
Ending this month, reflecting on how far I have come, it’s crazy to think that I went through all that. And I am still going through so much but the love and support from Bas, my family and close friends have really played a big part to where I am now. Especially the motivation to be better mentally and physically for my son has to be the number one reason to why I am so excited and loving life even more. Even if I am going blind and deaf. God is still so good and I always say, everything will always be ok. I’m blessed and thankful for the person I am now.
And wow, I talk so much. But just wanted to share some thoughts. I know how life can be when you are battling something like this or anything really. Remember, you are never alone. Stay positive and know there is so much more to life.
Happy Retinitis Pigmentosa Awareness Month!